The Story of Clif:
I love Clif Bars. I eat them almost every day. For as lovingly full as they make me feel, some of their copy is awful. More specially “The Story of Clif” copy is terrible due to its length. People eat food in bar form not because it tastes better than a five course meal and not because it’s healthier than a nicely prepared spinach leaf salad with a myriad of veggies. People eat food in bar form because they need a quick snack/boost. Clif bars provide that boost however the copy on the back is too long for an on the go snack.
The Story of Clif
The Story of Clif, as shown above and as printed on the back of Clif Bar’s worldwide, is as follows:
“Clif Bar is named after my father, Clifford, my childhood hero and my companion throughout the Sierra Nevada Mountains. In 1990, I lived in a garage, with my two dogs, skis, climbing gear, bicycle and two trumpets. The inspiration to create an energy bar came during a day-long, 175-mile bike ride with my buddy Jay. We’d been gnawing on some “other” energy bars all day. Suddenly, despite my hunger, I couldn’t take another bite. I thought, “I could make a better bar than this!” That’s the moment I now call, “the epiphany.” Two years later, after countless hours in mom’s kitchen, the Clif Bar became a reality. And the mission to create a better-tasting energy bar was accomplished. Thanks, Mom!”
Again, I love Clif Bars but that copy is way too long for the back of a wrapper.
Let’s dive right in.
“Clif Bar is named after my father, Clifford, my childhood hero and my companion throughout the Sierra Nevada Mountains….” Too long already. “Clif Bar is named for my hero, climbing partner and father, Clifford.”
“In 1990, I lived in a garage, with my two dogs, skis, climbing gear, bicycle and two trumpets.” Too long. “In 1990, I lived in a garage with two dogs and my stuff.”
“The inspiration to create an energy bar came during a day-long, 175-mile bike ride with my buddy Jay. ” Needs changing. “The inspiration for Clif Bar came during a 175-mile bike ride with my companion Jay.”
“We’d been gnawing on some “other” energy bars all day. Suddenly, despite my hunger, I couldn’t take another bite.” Needs small changes. “We’d been gnawing on “other” energy bars yet despite my hunger, I couldn’t eat another bite.”
“I thought, “I could make a better bar than this!” That’s the moment I now call, “the epiphany.” Not powerful enough. “It was then I had the epiphany I could create a more fulfilling energy bar.”
“Two years later, after countless hours in mom’s kitchen, the Clif Bar became a reality. And the mission to create a better-tasting energy bar was accomplished. Thanks, Mom!” Too long. “After two years in Mom’s Kitchen, Clif Bar was born and the mission to power athletes the world over was reached. Thanks, Mom!”
So, here is the original:
“Clif Bar is named after my father, Clifford, my childhood hero and my companion throughout the Sierra Nevada Mountains. In 1990, I lived in a garage, with my two dogs, skis, climbing gear, bicycle and two trumpets. The inspiration to create an energy bar came during a day-long, 175-mile bike ride with my buddy Jay. We’d been gnawing on some “other” energy bars all day. Suddenly, despite my hunger, I couldn’t take another bite. I thought, “I could make a better bar than this!” That’s the moment I now call, “the epiphany.” Two years later, after countless hours in mom’s kitchen, the Clif Bar became a reality. And the mission to create a better-tasting energy bar was accomplished. Thanks, Mom!”
Here is the changed copy:
“Clif Bar is named for my hero, climbing partner and father, Clifford. In 1990, I lived in a garage with two dogs and my stuff. The inspiration for Clif Bar came during a 175-mile bike ride with my companion Jay. We’d been gnawing on “other” energy bars yet despite my hunger, I couldn’t eat another bite. It was then I had the epiphany I could create a more fulfilling energy bar. After two years in Mom’s Kitchen, Clif Bar was born and the mission to power athletes the world over was reached. Thanks, Mom!”
The final copy is cleaner and more to the point. Rule # 2 – Keep it short and sweet.
Copy by Brad 